Author: macil

A post inspired by Mr T. over at Substack –> https://talknet.substack.com/p/growing-sense-of-disconnection-in

Doubt is existentialism and this leads to unnecessary explorations (gaps/delays) and failure (or “unnecessary feedback.”)

This disconnection is a “remembering how to be.”

Some humans are figuring out their “reasons for being.” But that doesn’t resonate with me and it isn’t from a lack of trying.

I think I am learning how to “be without reason.”

This is as much about not needing a reason to be, as it is about being cautious of reason itself. What reasoning do we need to be happy? Answer: none at all.

My heart is asking me to step back from everything and just laugh at the sheer absurdity of it. I no longer care what The Other thinks about this.

There is a parasite feeding on the beauty/love of the world. I call it Nonsense ; I like to view it as a kind of critical malfunction in consciousness – an anomaly, because it is more empowering, but we can accept it as a phenomenon that occurs as “consciousness rises.” Same difference.

The parasite/Nonsense might be a dark group of controllers, aliens, or just a pattern of low/animalistic/dark gestalt consciousness that has been tolerated for too long. It doesn’t matter whether it is “within me” or the collective. It all connected and manifests the same.

To engage in this world is to empower this darkness – because it enters into our consciousness and comes alive through us. Hearing the “reason” is to argue with it and let it in. We see it as us and act through it.

Reason would have made Gandalf abandon his integrity and use the Ring of Power because he thought he could do good with it.

To reap the fruits of this material world, the darkness has to be appeased to lesser or greater degrees. Humans have rationalized and compromised with these affairs so long there exists entire paradigms and systems of belief to naturalize the behavior.

The Matrix is just one giant sacrificial altar to this darkness.

Humans are being relieved of every single one of these systems and this is what you are witnessing. This is a “physical byproduct” as consciousness expands.

The “good guys” glorify sacrifice & hard work to appease this dark consciousness as a compromise to find a misguided

I want to talk about time. Not quite the metaphysical concept of time, but more the Earth-Human sense of time.

We are meant to believe that the world goes through a 24-hour period. This is meant to be “helpful” by breaking down the day into units of measurement to which we can create schedules, coordinate events or meetings, measure phenomenon and so on.

This is a lie.

Time is a prison for your mind. This artificial construct has been gently lowered upon the natural world as a way of holding you hostage. This block of time – 24 hours – creates a fixation to which disconnects you from your inner-being and introduces a concept of yesterday & tomorrow which ensures your imprisonment.

Tell me, what does a “second” feel like? A “minute”? An “hour”? Describe how it “feels.”

Like a frog being boiled, you become adjusted to how fast or slow time flows based on your own expectation. But practically everyone has their own evidence of this being a lie in their own lives.

When your mind is no longer fixated on time, time becomes fluid. Time can seem to fly or seem to go on forever. Every person has experienced this, whether for good or ill. Whenever you are in “flow”, you become a master of time.

You have been indoctrinated into thinking that there is a function outside of you which marches on independent on this “sensation of time” but there isn’t. You are the one “making it go fast” or “making it go slow.”

Time is relative? Indeed. You have no idea.

When you truly apprehend this, then you understand how pervasive and how sinister the 24-hour lie is. You are like butter scrapped over too much bread, being stretched and stretched and stretched.

But Macil, the natural world follows this “24 hour” period!

You can divide “Now” into as many pieces as you like. Do you think we could reorganize our time-keeping to function on 36 hours? Or 2 hours? Sure we could. It is just a matter of perspective and doing the “verisimilitude” work to put it all together.

You don’t think we could create longer or shorter calendars? Of course we could. Human history has all kinds of calendars.

We could organize our perceptions of ourselves and our world however we like. You don’t even need to subscribe to subjective idealism

I haven’t posted too much as of late because I haven’t felt the need. That is a good thing, but I also am being nudged to keep Ex Inanis alive and kicking this time. I know it helps.

I’ve been coming back into a sense of being with myself rather than in a semi-panic where I feel compelled to micromanage all the details. I have to remember that details = lowering of perspective = fixation = density = time = enduring = Nonsense.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, schedules, todos and lists tend to be an indicator of stepping “out of being.” You are becoming too fixated on appearances and reorganizing your expectations into them. You are not trusting or allowing. This disconnects us from inner guidance / higher insight.

If you do this for too long, your mind starts slipping back into binary/polarity thinking which slips further into all-out survival thinking, which then starts creating excessive thought & emotion. This is by design, because the thought & emotion is a guidance mechanism to get you to “lift out.”

This isn’t to say that we can’t make use of schedules, todos and list, but to exercise caution in how we use them. They should never become informative – they should never become so heavy that they become their own problems.

A caveat: If you are already “out of being”, then some schedules, todos and list can be very helpful for “finding yourself” again, because if you are unable to connect to your being, then you can “substitute heart” through a commitment to a ritual or schedule. This is a “faking it until you make it” trick to finding that heart-centered place again.

This not for everyone, or most people, because the world feeds on time (what a surprise.) If you want to “break away”, though, this is where you start.

NTS: I’ll have to write a post about actual time – like how clocks are everywhere – and how this is part of the containment mechanism.

I wanted to put a little reminder here to myself about something I have noticed many times before. My thoughts & decision making process in the mornings and nights sucks. I try to pressure myself way too much in the morning and my mind wants to remove all the surprise from tomorrow at night time by making plans, leading to

Okay, time for a bit of crazy.

I am becoming increasingly convinced that all thought arises from the Context. That is, there is not a single thought that arises from your inner being at all.

The thoughts that seem benevolent or subservient — which we are more prone to claiming as “ours” – are no different than negative ones, or even neutral ones. They are simply the most attractive thoughts that exist within the Context that you are entertaining.

“Reasoning” is just unpacking these thoughts, or digging out more of a kind – also from Context. What is “attractive” is you using certain aspects of Wave as informative (you are getting on the stage, instead of being in the audience).

Thoughts are a complete distraction that keeps you locked in creating time.

Yes, I am becoming increasingly convinced that our Wave is completely invisible outside of how it is “implied” back to us from Context. But this also feels incomplete / somewhat obvious. If we go looking “within” we are just digging deeper into the Context that isn’t us at all. Well, it IS, but it is because the Wave “contains” it and we are “seeing through it.”

We can recognize that in a roundabout way the thoughts are ours, because the Wave was our choice and because the Context derives from Wave, but what do we do when we wish to “rise above” the Context? In theory, we would want to allow the Context to “pass.”

Our personal Wave is just sculpted from interaction with the Context. It seems to be “on display” all the time.

But there is no “within” if we just “are” – we are “outside of Wave” – which makes sense within the greater framework of Ex Inanis. When you are at your best, you are surfing the Wave across Context.

What does this mean? Thoughts are like a smell, or a taste. They are just another “sense” that we feel from the Context.

This would seem to make them almost useless even in comparison to physical senses. No – not useless – but it takes practice to start recognizing them as part of the world itself and not yourself, so as to not let them influence your Authentic/Heart-decisions.

I feel like somehow I’ve been at this realization before, but nonetheless

This post came about after reading this article –> https://eraoflight.com/2022/08/31/hakann-karma/

Everyone is describing the same elephant, so here is my opinion.

Karma is just another word for all your prior decisions (including past “lives.”) There is what is consciously making decisions and what has become automated or unconscious making decisions. You can call this “karma”, because it has consequences upon your reality generation.

Free will is never violated because you are not living in a singular world. The singular world concept is what ensnares your mind, because it “lowers the perspective.” This ensnaring is what keeps you “logged in.”

You are living in a multidimensional world like a Massive Multiplayer Roleplaying Game where every person is their own instance/universe. You are matched to the other “players” who align to your decisions. This matching is instant and always happening.

See the lyrics to Sweet Dreams – “Some of them want to use you, Some of them want to get used by you, Some of them want to abuse you, Some of them want to be abused.” That’s the cynical perspective, but helps gets the point across.

Where this will trip most people up is in the question of morality or ethics. Since all outcomes happen and there is no “right or wrong”, it seems like you could do whatever you want, right? No. You are not yet in “Heaven.”

Morality/ethics are concerns of cohesion, or your ability to maintain your “being”, or what I call “continuum.” Reincarnation is indefinite until you are able to maintain being whilst holding “all your karma.” This requires many virtues, but a lot of compassion & faith.

Good & Evil is binary/polarity or what I call machine-mind thinking. If you must use these terms, then Good is whatever imparts more integrity to your consciousness and Evil is whatever makes your consciousness lose integrity.

Unification (Unity) with your self/World/Others is locked behind the concepts of compassion/faith. Faith allows you to be in the audience and not on the stage – to be “in but not of” – to view the “whole elephant” and not a part. Compassion is the universal translator, or the glue that holds everything together.

Until you learn these virtues, you are at a lower state of consciousness (too detail oriented – too “on the ground” – the survival or machine-mind. Fixation. Sensitivity.)

You are an eternal being.

When I opened Winamp to play some music while I was writing, the Phantom of the Opera “The Point of No Return” came up. Very interesting.

Never in my life have I ignored my emotions or thoughts. My rule since a very young age was to never leave a thought or emotion left un-examined.

Throughout my personal ordeal of 2022, that has certainly been true. So true, in fact, that this time I think the excessive introspection caused more problems than it solved. If I had just surrendered sooner, perhaps the suffering would have been less. But that is a pointless speculation. The opposite could also be true – it could be I needed the ruthless internal checking and stubbornness to get through this.

I have been there before – too much questioning – not enough confidence. Why? Myriad reasons. Another post.

I am still stunned that the degree of suffering I experienced was possible without dying or being rendered unconscious. I am reminded how I am hyper-aware when drunk, except this time it was in excruciating pain.

I am grudgingly learning to let go of this recent experience as I remember lessons I had already discovered and let slip. At least that feels like where I am headed. I am still sorting out the mess. Thus the importance of continuing to work on Ex Inanis.

I don’t like humble pie.

I feel as though I underwent a “life review” or an “integrity check.” This has happened before – I have humorously considered moments like these in the past “deaths.” That perhaps I jumped a timeline or dimension. This can happen either when a paradigm is no longer sustainable or enters into an expansion period.

As the pain & suffering have diminished and a sense of normal oozes back, I may be finding the clarity that I have been missing for this recent “integrity check.”

To continue this post, we need to have a brief tangent.

The universe is not a “singular” place. It resembles something much closer to a Massive Multiplayer Role Playing Game, except where every player is their own instance, with instantaneous-streaming matchmaking.

Individual consciousness is experienced through the intersection of the Will, Wave and Context (Collective). The “individual” part is none of these things, but an emergence that arises out of

I’ve been at this gate in my life before but this is the farthest I’ve ever stepped through. I’ve never published my words before (without ripping everything down), or shared some of my creative work. I’ve never been so totally and wholly committed to achieving the life that I want to live where I feel almost detached from life altogether. I’m closer to embodying what I call “wonderment” than ever before.

I want to talk about something that has come up every time I’ve approached this gate before that has gotten me to turn back. It is irritatingly effective. Primarily this “gatekeeper” manifests in arguments from The Other, but I can’t blame the Other for continually buying it. I’ve certainly talked myself out of passing this gate before with the same argument. I’m making it a point to put it here so I know there’s no excuses.

It concerns the nature of work & play.

We often think that work is “anything we need to do, but don’t want to do.”

And we often think that play is “anything we want to do, but don’t need to do.”

You may already see the problem if you’re clever, but let’s continue.

When we are on “the path” (as I call Ex Inanis), we are attempting to sculpt our lives into something holistic, or organic. We are ruthlessly looking for pockets of resistance and blockages to remove. We are seeking to remove all the “divides” within ourselves. That is, we are attempting to create an environment for ourselves to live in that effortlessly produces the life (the consciousness) that we want to embody.

Our holy grail is a state of effortless 24/7 flow.

We do not want to keep having to put “effort” into maintaining a particular stand of mind or life. It should automate itself.

This absolutely means we cannot continue participating in practices that actually run contrary to what we are trying to do. That seems obvious. Yet, if it was so obvious, we would not so often compromise with ourselves.

So, what is the the justification that has so often turned me back from doing the things that I want to do? What has created more complacency than anything else?

“You need to relax. No one can work all the time. You’ll

Addiction and complacency may as well be one and the same.

Addition doesn’t have to be an addiction to destroy your life. Or perhaps the definition of addiction is too nebulous for most of us to understand. You’re not addicted, you say? You can simply become complacent with a status quo, or rationalize your mediocrity.

Anything you do that your heart knows is disruptive to your life, or holds you back from experiences you want – or need – might be described as an addiction. Our physical health doesn’t need to visibly deteriorate. We can simply be bled slowly over many years and just come to think this is normal. This may even manifest as a gradual decay in the body that is just an accepted part of being human. Hmm. I wonder what that sounds like.

This can go on for so long you actually create a paradigm out of it. You could even market & sell it!

This kind of “addiction” may even be more insidious because it easily masquerades under the approval of our own consciousness and may also manifest in The Other who keeps you in the same place. This is how Nonsense can abuse love – by hiding behind The Other, whom you love and want to exist in harmony with – so you compromise and don’t do a damn thing to offend them. You let yourself commiserate or be convinced and think this is good for you, because it came from someone you love.

Ah, well …

When you adopt a paradigm rooted in subjective idealism, it becomes very difficult to put poison into your life, even if that poison is comforting or familiar. Every time you fail to adhere to your heart’s request, it builds an irritation, disappointment or discontent (we might even call that ‘inflammation’) , like a little drop of poison. Deep down you know this and yet you keep justifying – its alright, just one more drop of poison. How much could be in there? It’ll wash out. I’ll deal with the consequences.

You know that consequences of that extra helping of fries, or that 8-hour game session doesn’t just disappear. You know that choosing to stay in instead of going out to make friends is just another delay, but its alright – I’ll just “attract” what I want out

The last few months have felt like I’ve been thrown into the world I only figured out in my head. Like some greater power said, alright, you got it a long time ago – I’m done waiting, get your ass over there.

The last ten years … feel like an extended intellectual vomit – a kind of soul detox. It is hard to dismiss some part of me feels like I haven’t moved anywhere in all that time. I know that isn’t true – I don’t think I could have gotten here any other way. I know I have made leaps & bounds as a person, yet I also feel like in many ways I am starting over.

I may have done a great deal of inner work in the last 10 years and yet my (immediate / local) physical world remains much the same. I have not really gotten any closer to any of the (physical) ideals I created for myself. Again, that is a partial truth – my real progress is in removing mental obstacles that may allow me to actually achieve those original dreams.

I feel a little like my boat sank and I have been washed ashore upon a new world. I arrived at my destination, yet without anything I brought with me and I am trying to make sense of it all. Maybe that is a blessing?

Gaming has always been a big part of my life. Gaming for me wasn’t just escapism but it was a superior world. I figured that if the ‘real world’ couldn’t engage me better than a mere video game, then the ‘real world’ wasn’t worth the attention. It was contingent upon the real world to be more interesting and engaging, no? That’s what I figured. While I am nowhere near the stereotypical “Hikikomori”, my life has certainly been lopsided to isolation – or perhaps just “aggressively mediocre.” I feel more like a well-traveled ghost than a hermit hiding in a cave.

On the other end of this, though, I see the “real world” was always a doomed prospect if I had already decided it so. And in so deciding, I started seeing & creating a world less and less desirable. I was shrinking the “available world” and making my realm smaller and smaller.

This is what I know: we aren’t meant to live our lives through