Esoteric

The last few months have felt like I’ve been thrown into the world I only figured out in my head. Like some greater power said, alright, you got it a long time ago – I’m done waiting, get your ass over there.

The last ten years … feel like an extended intellectual vomit – a kind of soul detox. It is hard to dismiss some part of me feels like I haven’t moved anywhere in all that time. I know that isn’t true – I don’t think I could have gotten here any other way. I know I have made leaps & bounds as a person, yet I also feel like in many ways I am starting over.

I may have done a great deal of inner work in the last 10 years and yet my (immediate / local) physical world remains much the same. I have not really gotten any closer to any of the (physical) ideals I created for myself. Again, that is a partial truth – my real progress is in removing mental obstacles that may allow me to actually achieve those original dreams.

I feel a little like my boat sank and I have been washed ashore upon a new world. I arrived at my destination, yet without anything I brought with me and I am trying to make sense of it all. Maybe that is a blessing?

Gaming has always been a big part of my life. Gaming for me wasn’t just escapism but it was a superior world. I figured that if the ‘real world’ couldn’t engage me better than a mere video game, then the ‘real world’ wasn’t worth the attention. It was contingent upon the real world to be more interesting and engaging, no? That’s what I figured. While I am nowhere near the stereotypical “Hikikomori”, my life has certainly been lopsided to isolation – or perhaps just “aggressively mediocre.” I feel more like a well-traveled ghost than a hermit hiding in a cave.

On the other end of this, though, I see the “real world” was always a doomed prospect if I had already decided it so. And in so deciding, I started seeing & creating a world less and less desirable. I was shrinking the “available world” and making my realm smaller and smaller.

This is what I know: we aren’t meant to live our lives through

To continue somewhat with the last post, mastery is really about turning the tight rope into a platform, where thoughts begin to calm and quiet.

This post will posit more questions than answers, because I am doing some major re-visioning in myself.

What I want to revisit, though, is the origin of thoughts. There seems to be several types of thoughts.

Reaction Thoughts – thoughts that arise in reaction to (perceived) “external" events.

Random / Unbidden Thoughts – thoughts that seem to have no particular origin yet still arrive in “language form.”

Ambient thoughts – Similar to unbidden thoughts, seem to “bubble up” when we relax, meditate, sleep – it seems like random observation of ourselves (even forgotten or long dormant aspects of ourselves.)

Chosen Thoughts - Seemingly restricted, or filtered, by the Wave, these are thoughts we seem to be able to “will” into being ; like picking items off a shelf. Self-talk, planning, “abusing imagination space” (sorry, future post) are examples of this.

But in effect, these are “all the same.”

If we assume that thoughts are a kind of “translation” of ourselves – energy – then the language is a device we created to give structure to energetic patterns / vibrations / etc. that we are able to feel / see / so on.

If we believe that all thought originates from within, then the mechanism of how certain thoughts come about is more of a usurpation / automation of will. That is, in theory, we allowed certain thoughts to come to us “automatically” because it was useful at some point – but it has become a shackle – a cacophony which we have entire physical & spiritual practices to deal with. What the hell? No one thinks this the least suspicious? Why not just shut down these robots?

I have been having serious doubts about a lot of things lately.

Because of Unity (the understanding of no inside/outside), recent events and The Uncertainty, I can’t help but begin to doubt even the origin of certain thoughts. If we accept there is an X-Factor of Otherness or Outsideness, whether this is an automation of our own consciousness, or “true beings”, then once we understand “we are not in the brain”, then even thoughts themselves – just as other people appear to us – could be foreign in origin.

In this context, we do not

What is “Being”? Being is a state of harmony & acceptance. Being can often describe our success in being optimal humans. We find being when we are in flow with our lives – when we reach a satisfaction where we aren’t looking for problems, or changes, or needing anyone’s approval (except our own.)

Being is often accompanied by a silence of the mind. We have very few thoughts.

Yet, in my opinion, this kind of being as a human is tricky, like balancing on a tipe rope. If you fall off, instead of “being”, you become complacent. Complacency settles in when you begin to live in a situation you dislike but rationalize or ignore all the signs that you need to make changes.

I think we can fall into complacency from both healthy, balanced lives as well as destructive or addictive lives. We all strive to create streams of familiarity, because it reminds of us home. Complacency is “too much familiarity" that turns into Groundhog’s Day.

You say, then, that “being” seems like a fairytale and this is exactly why I liken to to walking on a tight rope. “Moderation in all things” is such sage advice because it keeps us on the path. We accept there are days when we can walk that tight rope and that there are days when we fall. It makes it easier to climb back up and do it again ; we find our comfort and familiarity in this process, rather than in the end results and so home becomes more transient than fixed.

When I was very young, I learned that it was unwise to ignore any thought or emotion – always explain from whence it came. If you cannot, you dig and dig until you understand what created it.

How do we know when are “being” and when we are being complacent?

If we are often wondering “I’d rather be …”, then we are being complacent. I am wondering now whether all thoughts are a sign of complacency, or decoherence, like sparks caused by friction. This may be a good way to “think” about it.

My best times in life were when I “neglected” the work of Ex Inanis for a time before life went upside down (complacency) and brought me back. I need to find the right balance between both.

Thoughts are a sign of density – they

The Uncertainty is the condition that is created when you are uncertain when your will is done. When you move your hand, or walk across the room, there is no uncertainty – your will has been done. When you cook a meal, or drive a car to a destination, even though there is a “delay” (a cooked meal, or being somewhere else), you can be “sure” your will has been done (perhaps not at 100% since you are probably not a expert cook or professional driver), even though you had to follow a ritual to do it.

The Uncertainty addresses all other acts of will that we cannot assess. For instance, you want a new car. You cannot snap your fingers and make this happen.

Manifestation literature attempts to describe the phenomenon that occurs when we make a Decision that cannot be seen through The Uncertainty that seems to arrive in our lives in a serendipitous or even downright miraculous fashion (when we are able to do the work the manifestation requires). This only has to happen a couple of times before you know “something is up.”

Much work is done on perfecting this process – which is the same work that all philosophers/spiritualists have done since the beginning of time (needs its own article), because “manifestation” is fundamental and intimately tied to the MVG/harmonic mind/Nirvana/etc. It is part of the natural world, whether that is physical or consciousness or otherwise.

Nonsense is what creates density, or gap/buffer and so manifestation always seems to occur in a kind of “outside in” way here on Earth. You have to “generate reality” (action) in order to provide a vector to “receiving.” You can include affirmations and thoughts as actions, but I find these are most suited to physical healing (of the body) or the mind (still experimenting, though.)

You might be able to cause something to happen through sheer determination by sitting in bed, but the verisimilitude of what you are trying to do would need to overcome the negligible vectors you have provided for it to arrive (how likely you/your unconscious feels about something happening while laying in bed in a private home).

You can try to convince yourself – as I once did – that if this power was true and complete, I should be able to create matter out of thin air ; I should be

To continue the theme of the last post, when you ask the question: “What do you want?” don’t limit this to the material world.

You can ask for anything, including knowledge (any kind), confidence, motivation, focus, drive, being better with people … there is nothing that is off limits. You can even construct your own custom packages. You can get very specific or creative. You can put one desire into other, or add your own boundaries.

Authenticity will guide you there, no matter how bizarre. It may require a lot of work, but it will never lie to you.

This is why visualizing the life you want is so often repeated in manifestation resources, but it is very easy to get fixated on the physical elements and forget both the “doing” and the subtle.

If you are having trouble finding the material/qualia place you want, then simply change your intentions for a little while. Change the intention to: “What is blocking me? What do I need to learn? What do I need to release?“ or, perhaps get super meta – "What question do I need to ask?”

Don’t just keep stubbornly fantasying all the while resisting the changes the universe is trying to give you. Nonsense LOVES for you to reject the very things you asked for. You also have to allow.

You will be guided to your destination, as long you follow the Decide, Faith and Show Up process. I may also have to amend this to: “Decide, Know/Faith, Show Up & Allow.”

When I started on this journey, I answered the question of “What do you want?” with “freedom.” Or perhaps “world domination.” But these are all the same concepts: self-mastery.

This may have began as a childish fantasy about ruling over the world, but it transformed into a much higher wisdom of being free from experience ; or free *to* experience ; it is the heart of Ex Inanis, or “from nothing.” “Christ consciousness”, Nirvana, Heaven … fearlessness.

And I have been led on exactly that journey. I was thrown into the deep end of the metaphysical, esoteric and occult. There is no rabbit hole I didn’t crawl into.

And so here is the “warning” part.

Your every command is realized. We are perfect creators, but woefully imperfect in seeing what we have created (because of what I call The Uncertainty.)

I had no

This is such a powerful question.

When you feel that doubt, or malaise, or that inner “zombie” creeping up on you ; when you feel like falling back into old patterns ; when you feel like you are wasting time or “shouldn’t be doing this” ; you should trigger yourself to remember this question: “What do you want?”

You heart will answer this question. And shortly there after you will look upon your Wave – your life – and you will know exactly how to get it. That’s Authenticity ; that’s you going “ping!” and the universe handing you a map.

Any pings after the first are bullshit.

Here’s where we all fuck up.

Nonsense wanders in and says: “Hey, you don’t need that map. Let me tell you how to get everything you want.”

Whatever layers of Nonsense you have within you will attempt to talk you out of it. The more you identify with your Nonsense or trust it (perhaps you have externalized some of it in the Other, family, friends, organizations, or perhaps “yesterday”), the more you believe your own bullshit.

Positive, negative, neutral … Nonsense will go to town to convince you that you can’t have what you want. Your job isn’t to decide what your heart wants. Your heart is the apex, the center, the crest – it is the precise intersection point between “everything you are.”

Your heart is the ultimate “fact of you.”

Nonsense will attempt to convince you that you need to compromise, or be realistic. Maybe, even, there are aspects of truth to that. Nonsense loves to sprinkle truth into its lies.

Nonsense will weave whatever convincing tale you need, because YOU are letting Nonsense borrow your consciousness. And what is “your consciousness”?

That’s right. You’ve left the door wide open to your imagination room, you dope.

And what are you? You are an aspect of God – perhaps God itself. It doesn’t matter. We don’t need to know. It’s irrelevant.

Through you, Nonsense becomes the master storyteller, because YOU are the master storyteller. But the story isn’t woven all at once. It is eternal – ongoing – right now.

Here’s another secret too: Nonsense

“God” spoke to me again, this time through a close friend who told me about confidence.

I’ve realized I’ve struggled with confidence all my life. Confidence of all kinds. My thinking mind felt like it needed “answers” before it could have confidence.

I’ve been here before.

The ironic thing about confidence is that we already have what we need. We already have everything we need to know and our challenges will always match our life at the time. When we accept this, we find confidence, even if we are NOT confident. Even if you “wanted more than you have”, you know that this is a Nonsense concept.

Confidence is a choice ; as in, the choice itself. Confidence needs no conditions. I don’t think it even matters whether you think that choice is right or wrong, or neither, as long as the choice is made.

Perhaps that is obvious to many, as the alternative is uncertainty or doubt, because a path hasn’t been picked. But some of us have glorified this place of non-decision – or at least I have – and all this creates is “more time.”

Our waking life is a quilt, or menagerie, or a cauldron of our choices all intersecting. Some of these intersections don’t work, some do, some just are. Confidence doesn’t derive from these choices ; confidence is the acceptance of these choices and it is the choice of “What’s next?”

Confidence is a plan, but it isn’t. Its a path you pick that’s “good enough” for now, because you trust yourself and just going to see where this goes.

So much wisdom and esoteric stuff is a farce. I realize the more and more I post to this blog, Ex Inanis is about the same synthesis or harmony of mind that the ancients describe and that all philosophers and spiritualists describe over and over and over.

Ex Inanis is my own expression of it and anytime we listen to another person – it is their expression of it, even if they aren’t a philosopher. Their own life stories are just more parables of the truth. You can’t unsee at after a point

The fundamental truth is always the same. It is the 3 blind men and the elephant (look it up.)

It isn’t like we don’t understand this seminal / unspoken wisdom – this wordless resonance of truth – it

Let’s talk a little bit about “manifestation.”

There is no doubt in my mind that there is a “eerie” correlation between consciousness and what we experience. We can say we are God, or aspects of God, or whatever you fancy, but it isn’t very helpful in a practical sense. Affirm this, visualize that, adjust your perspective … manifestation is inexorably tied to digging inside ourselves. But the “output” or the underlying motivation is all wrong.

This blog is for me a confessional as much as anything – a way to get it out and my own way of making sense of my life up to this point.

As I have been writing here everyday and as I have been making changes in my real life, there is a subtle pervasive truth that is rising to the surface: I suckered myself.

Everyone wants to talk about inner work and shadow work and such all the whilst somehow denying one of the fundamental truths manifestation often starts with – that the “external” is already a representation of themselves – whether by creation or alignment matters not. It is perfect. Asking for something that isn’t there is a kind of a tacit rejection ; a refusal to do the real shadow work you need to do. A rejection of the “matchmaker” or the “creation engine.” A rejection of God. A refusal to participate in your own creation! Why?

I often say, “Wherever you go, there you are” because we can’t run from ourselves. The work is the work regardless of your material realm.

An adventurer does not decline the adventure to spend years plotting out the perfect path, or cheating his way to the end. This sounds like that old adage about journeys and destination, but it is more.

I spent years figuring out the rules of the game but I suck at playing it. I’m a librarian who has no idea how to deal with his own world. As someone who has spent a good portion of his life playing video games, this isn’t even in-character. With video games, I love to dive in and figure it out as I go: that’s part of the fun, the exploration, the challenge …

When I try to apply this approach in real life, I’m paralyzed. I buried the fear behind logic & reason – behind digging for more esoteric truth. I

God – Cosmos, Source, Paradox – whatever word you wish to use … We will use God for the remainder of the article. You do not necessarily need to personify God in this context. God can simply be “everything that is or could be.“ God can be “creation.” God could be the “whole you.” Or, if you prefer, God can be a loving parent ; whatever definition seems to resonate with you.

The concept of God is seminal, or primal and you understand what I mean even if your “contextual” self wants to argue.

God speaks to you through the portrayal of your life – of the entire universe. God is always speaking to you. God is a chatterbox! Because God is synonymous with love and love is the foundation of all creation. Love is always coming back to get you – when you run, you just hurt yourself, like a child out of control. God is there to pick you up and set you back straight, even when you think otherwise.

It isn’t enough to know this on an intellectual level. You can pretend to know that the universe is born from within – that it is a emanation of consciousness, whether from yourself, or from God’s hands. It doesn’t matter. As a human, you will never answer these questions any deeper. If you attempt to do so, you will find the answers you receive to be recursive and bottomless. I know – I tried.

The questions themselves are sufficient knowledge. That is why we have concepts like belief and faith and why these concepts are often so treasured. It can be easy to disregard them or associate them with fanaticism or perhaps naivety, but this is a terrible mistake. They are fundamental to operating – as a new friend of mine told me – “an optimal level.”

Comprehending God cannot be done in a purely intellectual way. This does nothing for your belief and belief is fundamental to operating your life. A belief is forged, like a sword. It requires a action, a commitment and some pressure. God doesn’t want this to be a painful process – a sword feels no pain as it is hammered or thrust into the furnace.

You are here to be forged by God. Or if this is too much, you are here to provide experience to God. Again, I

Our thoughts arise from within us, like air bubbling to the surface of water. The thoughts are not “us", yet they do point to the source of that “air" that is us.

That air comes from our foundation. The thoughts are more like mangled remnants by the time they reach us, though ; almost useless. Thoughts try to describe truths that our minds cannot hold all at once. They are “pointers” to much larger blocks. As humans, we have to deal with abstracts and faith to make use of these thoughts.

We shouldn’t assign any meaning to thoughts that we don’t desire. We recognize they are “ours” – or at least that they are there if you wish to remain more open to their source – but they are “out of service” or not informative. Meaning construction is an important concept I need to write about and it isn’t restricted to thoughts.

I’ve been hearing this term “mental diet” and it is a good one. I need to read a whole lot more Goddard, because he has great subtle ways of perspective that are transformative.

Our efforts should be focused on changing this foundation so that the thoughts that bubble up are the thoughts that we want, rather than battling thoughts that do not serve us. We want to ask ourselves to be supportive and encouraging, not afraid or doubting. The diet should feed itself, in other words.

Imagine thoughts that don’t question, or doubt, or plan. They don’t worry how long something will take or what issues you are dealing with. They just tell you: “You got this! Go for it!” We want to eliminate “buts” and “shoulds" in a way that aligns with heart/body/mind. We do NOT want to create willful ignorance, apathy, or denial.

We want to address the root of the environment – not be on cleanup duty at all times, or “eating” all the time. Consumption of any kind is a warning that we are lopsided towards complacency. We have to do these things, because that’s where we are in our development, but we can recognize this is not the “ideal.” I think we are all tired of this janitor duty.

I emphasize the warning of becoming complacent simply because you master aspects of this process. If you are not reinvesting into “the work”, it will fade just as surely as anything