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When I opened Winamp to play some music while I was writing, the Phantom of the Opera “The Point of No Return” came up. Very interesting.

Never in my life have I ignored my emotions or thoughts. My rule since a very young age was to never leave a thought or emotion left un-examined.

Throughout my personal ordeal of 2022, that has certainly been true. So true, in fact, that this time I think the excessive introspection caused more problems than it solved. If I had just surrendered sooner, perhaps the suffering would have been less. But that is a pointless speculation. The opposite could also be true – it could be I needed the ruthless internal checking and stubbornness to get through this.

I have been there before – too much questioning – not enough confidence. Why? Myriad reasons. Another post.

I am still stunned that the degree of suffering I experienced was possible without dying or being rendered unconscious. I am reminded how I am hyper-aware when drunk, except this time it was in excruciating pain.

I am grudgingly learning to let go of this recent experience as I remember lessons I had already discovered and let slip. At least that feels like where I am headed. I am still sorting out the mess. Thus the importance of continuing to work on Ex Inanis.

I don’t like humble pie.

I feel as though I underwent a “life review” or an “integrity check.” This has happened before – I have humorously considered moments like these in the past “deaths.” That perhaps I jumped a timeline or dimension. This can happen either when a paradigm is no longer sustainable or enters into an expansion period.

As the pain & suffering have diminished and a sense of normal oozes back, I may be finding the clarity that I have been missing for this recent “integrity check.”

To continue this post, we need to have a brief tangent.

The universe is not a “singular” place. It resembles something much closer to a Massive Multiplayer Role Playing Game, except where every player is their own instance, with instantaneous-streaming matchmaking.

Individual consciousness is experienced through the intersection of the Will, Wave and Context (Collective). The “individual” part is none of these things, but an emergence that arises out of

I’ve been at this gate in my life before but this is the farthest I’ve ever stepped through. I’ve never published my words before (without ripping everything down), or shared some of my creative work. I’ve never been so totally and wholly committed to achieving the life that I want to live where I feel almost detached from life altogether. I’m closer to embodying what I call “wonderment” than ever before.

I want to talk about something that has come up every time I’ve approached this gate before that has gotten me to turn back. It is irritatingly effective. Primarily this “gatekeeper” manifests in arguments from The Other, but I can’t blame the Other for continually buying it. I’ve certainly talked myself out of passing this gate before with the same argument. I’m making it a point to put it here so I know there’s no excuses.

It concerns the nature of work & play.

We often think that work is “anything we need to do, but don’t want to do.”

And we often think that play is “anything we want to do, but don’t need to do.”

You may already see the problem if you’re clever, but let’s continue.

When we are on “the path” (as I call Ex Inanis), we are attempting to sculpt our lives into something holistic, or organic. We are ruthlessly looking for pockets of resistance and blockages to remove. We are seeking to remove all the “divides” within ourselves. That is, we are attempting to create an environment for ourselves to live in that effortlessly produces the life (the consciousness) that we want to embody.

Our holy grail is a state of effortless 24/7 flow.

We do not want to keep having to put “effort” into maintaining a particular stand of mind or life. It should automate itself.

This absolutely means we cannot continue participating in practices that actually run contrary to what we are trying to do. That seems obvious. Yet, if it was so obvious, we would not so often compromise with ourselves.

So, what is the the justification that has so often turned me back from doing the things that I want to do? What has created more complacency than anything else?

“You need to relax. No one can work all the time. You’ll

Addiction and complacency may as well be one and the same. Addition doesn’t have to be an addiction to destroy your life. Or perhaps the definition of addiction is too nebulous for most of us to understand. You’re not addicted, you say? You can simply become complacent with a status quo, or rationalize your mediocrity. Anything you do that your heart knows is disruptive to your life, or holds you back from experiences you want – or need – might be described as an addiction. Our physical health doesn’t need to visibly deteriorate. We can simply be bled slowly over many years and just come to think this is normal. This may even manifest as a gradual decay in the body that is just an accepted part of being human. Hmm. I wonder what that sounds like. This can go on for so long you actually create a paradigm out of it. You could even market & sell it! This kind of “addiction” may even be more insidious because it easily masquerades under the approval of our own consciousness and may also manifest in The Other who keeps you in the same place. This is how Nonsense can abuse love – by hiding behind The Other, whom you love and want to exist in harmony with – so you compromise and don’t do a damn thing to offend them. You let yourself commiserate or be convinced and think this is good for you, because it came from someone you love. Ah, well …

When you adopt a paradigm rooted in subjective idealism, it becomes very difficult to put poison into your life, even if that poison is comforting or familiar. Every time you fail to adhere to your heart’s request, it builds an irritation, disappointment or discontent (we might even call that ‘inflammation’) , like a little drop of poison. Deep down you know this and yet you keep justifying – its alright, just one more drop of poison. How much could be in there? It’ll wash out. I’ll deal with the consequences. You know that consequences of that extra helping of fries, or that 8-hour game session doesn’t just disappear. You know that choosing to stay in instead of going out to make friends is just another delay, but its alright – I’ll just “attract” what I want out

The last few months have felt like I’ve been thrown into the world I only figured out in my head. Like some greater power said, alright, you got it a long time ago – I’m done waiting, get your ass over there.

The last ten years … feel like an extended intellectual vomit – a kind of soul detox. It is hard to dismiss some part of me feels like I haven’t moved anywhere in all that time. I know that isn’t true – I don’t think I could have gotten here any other way. I know I have made leaps & bounds as a person, yet I also feel like in many ways I am starting over.

I may have done a great deal of inner work in the last 10 years and yet my (immediate / local) physical world remains much the same. I have not really gotten any closer to any of the (physical) ideals I created for myself. Again, that is a partial truth – my real progress is in removing mental obstacles that may allow me to actually achieve those original dreams.

I feel a little like my boat sank and I have been washed ashore upon a new world. I arrived at my destination, yet without anything I brought with me and I am trying to make sense of it all. Maybe that is a blessing?

Gaming has always been a big part of my life. Gaming for me wasn’t just escapism but it was a superior world. I figured that if the ‘real world’ couldn’t engage me better than a mere video game, then the ‘real world’ wasn’t worth the attention. It was contingent upon the real world to be more interesting and engaging, no? That’s what I figured. While I am nowhere near the stereotypical “Hikikomori”, my life has certainly been lopsided to isolation – or perhaps just “aggressively mediocre.” I feel more like a well-traveled ghost than a hermit hiding in a cave.

On the other end of this, though, I see the “real world” was always a doomed prospect if I had already decided it so. And in so deciding, I started seeing & creating a world less and less desirable. I was shrinking the “available world” and making my realm smaller and smaller.

This is what I know: we aren’t meant to live our lives through

To continue somewhat with the last post, mastery is really about turning the tight rope into a platform, where thoughts begin to calm and quiet.

This post will posit more questions than answers, because I am doing some major re-visioning in myself.

What I want to revisit, though, is the origin of thoughts. There seems to be several types of thoughts.

Reaction Thoughts – thoughts that arise in reaction to (perceived) “external" events.

Random / Unbidden Thoughts – thoughts that seem to have no particular origin yet still arrive in “language form.”

Ambient thoughts – Similar to unbidden thoughts, seem to “bubble up” when we relax, meditate, sleep – it seems like random observation of ourselves (even forgotten or long dormant aspects of ourselves.)

Chosen Thoughts - Seemingly restricted, or filtered, by the Wave, these are thoughts we seem to be able to “will” into being ; like picking items off a shelf. Self-talk, planning, “abusing imagination space” (sorry, future post) are examples of this.

But in effect, these are “all the same.”

If we assume that thoughts are a kind of “translation” of ourselves – energy – then the language is a device we created to give structure to energetic patterns / vibrations / etc. that we are able to feel / see / so on.

If we believe that all thought originates from within, then the mechanism of how certain thoughts come about is more of a usurpation / automation of will. That is, in theory, we allowed certain thoughts to come to us “automatically” because it was useful at some point – but it has become a shackle – a cacophony which we have entire physical & spiritual practices to deal with. What the hell? No one thinks this the least suspicious? Why not just shut down these robots?

I have been having serious doubts about a lot of things lately.

Because of Unity (the understanding of no inside/outside), recent events and The Uncertainty, I can’t help but begin to doubt even the origin of certain thoughts. If we accept there is an X-Factor of Otherness or Outsideness, whether this is an automation of our own consciousness, or “true beings”, then once we understand “we are not in the brain”, then even thoughts themselves – just as other people appear to us – could be foreign in origin.

In this context, we do not

What is “Being”? Being is a state of harmony & acceptance. Being can often describe our success in being optimal humans. We find being when we are in flow with our lives – when we reach a satisfaction where we aren’t looking for problems, or changes, or needing anyone’s approval (except our own.)

Being is often accompanied by a silence of the mind. We have very few thoughts.

Yet, in my opinion, this kind of being as a human is tricky, like balancing on a tipe rope. If you fall off, instead of “being”, you become complacent. Complacency settles in when you begin to live in a situation you dislike but rationalize or ignore all the signs that you need to make changes.

I think we can fall into complacency from both healthy, balanced lives as well as destructive or addictive lives. We all strive to create streams of familiarity, because it reminds of us home. Complacency is “too much familiarity" that turns into Groundhog’s Day.

You say, then, that “being” seems like a fairytale and this is exactly why I liken to to walking on a tight rope. “Moderation in all things” is such sage advice because it keeps us on the path. We accept there are days when we can walk that tight rope and that there are days when we fall. It makes it easier to climb back up and do it again ; we find our comfort and familiarity in this process, rather than in the end results and so home becomes more transient than fixed.

When I was very young, I learned that it was unwise to ignore any thought or emotion – always explain from whence it came. If you cannot, you dig and dig until you understand what created it.

How do we know when are “being” and when we are being complacent?

If we are often wondering “I’d rather be …”, then we are being complacent. I am wondering now whether all thoughts are a sign of complacency, or decoherence, like sparks caused by friction. This may be a good way to “think” about it.

My best times in life were when I “neglected” the work of Ex Inanis for a time before life went upside down (complacency) and brought me back. I need to find the right balance between both.

Thoughts are a sign of density – they

The Uncertainty is the condition that is created when you are uncertain when your will is done. When you move your hand, or walk across the room, there is no uncertainty – your will has been done. When you cook a meal, or drive a car to a destination, even though there is a “delay” (a cooked meal, or being somewhere else), you can be “sure” your will has been done (perhaps not at 100% since you are probably not a expert cook or professional driver), even though you had to follow a ritual to do it.

The Uncertainty addresses all other acts of will that we cannot assess. For instance, you want a new car. You cannot snap your fingers and make this happen.

Manifestation literature attempts to describe the phenomenon that occurs when we make a Decision that cannot be seen through The Uncertainty that seems to arrive in our lives in a serendipitous or even downright miraculous fashion (when we are able to do the work the manifestation requires). This only has to happen a couple of times before you know “something is up.”

Much work is done on perfecting this process – which is the same work that all philosophers/spiritualists have done since the beginning of time (needs its own article), because “manifestation” is fundamental and intimately tied to the MVG/harmonic mind/Nirvana/etc. It is part of the natural world, whether that is physical or consciousness or otherwise.

Nonsense is what creates density, or gap/buffer and so manifestation always seems to occur in a kind of “outside in” way here on Earth. You have to “generate reality” (action) in order to provide a vector to “receiving.” You can include affirmations and thoughts as actions, but I find these are most suited to physical healing (of the body) or the mind (still experimenting, though.)

You might be able to cause something to happen through sheer determination by sitting in bed, but the verisimilitude of what you are trying to do would need to overcome the negligible vectors you have provided for it to arrive (how likely you/your unconscious feels about something happening while laying in bed in a private home).

You can try to convince yourself – as I once did – that if this power was true and complete, I should be able to create matter out of thin air ; I should be

To continue the theme of the last post, when you ask the question: “What do you want?” don’t limit this to the material world. You can ask for anything, including knowledge (any kind), confidence, motivation, focus, drive, being better with people … there is nothing that is off limits. You can even construct your own custom packages. You can get very specific or creative. You can put one desire into other, or add your own boundaries. Authenticity will guide you there, no matter how bizarre. It may require a lot of work, but it will never lie to you. This is why visualizing the life you want is so often repeated in manifestation resources, but it is very easy to get fixated on the physical elements and forget both the “doing” and the subtle. If you are having trouble finding the material/qualia place you want, then simply change your intentions for a little while. Change the intention to: “What is blocking me? What do I need to learn? What do I need to release?“ or, perhaps get super meta – "What question do I need to ask?” Don’t just keep stubbornly fantasying all the while resisting the changes the universe is trying to give you. Nonsense LOVES for you to reject the very things you asked for. You also have to allow. You will be guided to your destination, as long you follow the Decide, Faith and Show Up process. I may also have to amend this to: “Decide, Know/Faith, Show Up & Allow.” When I started on this journey, I answered the question of “What do you want?” with “freedom.” Or perhaps “world domination.” But these are all the same concepts: self-mastery. This may have began as a childish fantasy about ruling over the world, but it transformed into a much higher wisdom of being free from experience ; or free *to* experience ; it is the heart of Ex Inanis, or “from nothing.” “Christ consciousness”, Nirvana, Heaven … fearlessness. And I have been led on exactly that journey. I was thrown into the deep end of the metaphysical, esoteric and occult. There is no rabbit hole I didn’t crawl into. And so here is the “warning” part. Your every command is realized. We are perfect creators, but woefully imperfect in seeing what we have created (because of what I call The Uncertainty.) I had no

This is such a powerful question. When you feel that doubt, or malaise, or that inner “zombie” creeping up on you ; when you feel like falling back into old patterns ; when you feel like you are wasting time or “shouldn’t be doing this” ; you should trigger yourself to remember this question: “What do you want?” You heart will answer this question. And shortly there after you will look upon your Wave – your life – and you will know exactly how to get it. That’s Authenticity ; that’s you going “ping!” and the universe handing you a map. Any pings after the first are bullshit. Here’s where we all fuck up. Nonsense wanders in and says: “Hey, you don’t need that map. Let me tell you how to get everything you want.” Whatever layers of Nonsense you have within you will attempt to talk you out of it. The more you identify with your Nonsense or trust it (perhaps you have externalized some of it in the Other, family, friends, organizations, or perhaps “yesterday”), the more you believe your own bullshit. Positive, negative, neutral … Nonsense will go to town to convince you that you can’t have what you want. Your job isn’t to decide what your heart wants. Your heart is the apex, the center, the crest – it is the precise intersection point between “everything you are.” Your heart is the ultimate “fact of you.” Nonsense will attempt to convince you that you need to compromise, or be realistic. Maybe, even, there are aspects of truth to that. Nonsense loves to sprinkle truth into its lies. Nonsense will weave whatever convincing tale you need, because YOU are letting Nonsense borrow your consciousness. And what is “your consciousness”? That’s right. You’ve left the door wide open to your imagination room, you dope. And what are you? You are an aspect of God – perhaps God itself. It doesn’t matter. We don’t need to know. It’s irrelevant. Through you, Nonsense becomes the master storyteller, because YOU are the master storyteller. But the story isn’t woven all at once. It is eternal – ongoing – right now. Here’s another secret too: Nonsense