What do you want?

There’s that old saying: What would you do if you have a million dollars?

But this is the wrong question.

It gets us too focused on the numbers. At least it does for me. I start planning it all out and spending each dollar in an efficient manner. That’s because I’m a bonehead and always have been. My Authenticity has long been lopsided towards the “mind” aspect.

You know what Ex Inanis is? It is a system for those of us who use our heads too much so we can get out of it, or to get better balanced with it, or to shut it up entirely.

Let’s rephrase it: What would you do if money wasn’t a factor in your decision making process?

This screws up our thinking big time, because we respond: “Well money is involved in everything!“ You will get stuck trying to resolve what you want with what you “have to do”, but the “have to do” part is the lie. Rather, it is your fears that prevent you from seeing that what you “don’t want to do” is actually exactly what you want to do.

The point of the exercise is to reduce your life down to all the things that you don’t want to “throw away.” What is “not optional” to you? When you figure it out, then how to get there doesn’t matter. You make The Motions ; the Motions are not “you.” What is important to you, is you.

Even if you’re rich, you have to live with yourself everyday. You have to deal with your thoughts and emotions no matter what, no matter where you are on Earth. You have to wake up and make decisions on what to do with your day. If you’re rich, how long would you indulge in mindless materialism before it imploded your life? But who am I to judge ; it could be that mindless materialism is exactly what your soul calling is! And that’s the point …

No one can tell you what your path is. YOU have to figure it out and then go after it. You won’t know if it is the path until you are on it. I am finding that confidence and trust are basically synonymous. You *know* what you want – you just aren’t trusting yourself to get it. You see all the obstacles, but this is a trick of Nonsense. They seem to stretch out to forever, but they’re just a blip.

That very first thing you want to say? To do? That’s the right thing. I used to think it wasn’t as clear as this, but it is. It pops in like a flash and pops out just as quick ; then Nonsense starts discussing or arguing. This is purely intellectual until you actually start practicing it. It is like a muscle.

You find reserves of power and life seems to reorganize beneath your feet. What was terrifying before now is somehow fun. How the fuck does that work? If it is “out there” and it seems like a road block, you are “seeing” an challenge/anomaly within your own consciousness. That’s how it is represented to you.

The obstacles are illusionary. They disappear when you start making moves. You can see it in small things when you “decide” – when you really put your foot down and follow through. We have a habit of torturing ourselves to get to that point, though, rather than just dealing with what seems scary or something we think is “not us.” That ladder part is a good trick of Nonsense ; we decide that this or that is too incompatible with our sense of “self” so we rationalize that what we’ve been doing over and over and over (and not working) must mean there is some other problem with ourselves (or the world.), but it is this false self that gets in the way of allowing you to get where you want to go. Some call that ego and that’s fine ; to me it seemed much more illusive.

Yesterday, I decided to message an old friend. I had thought about doing it before a number of times, but always talked myself out of it. In tribute to “disarming momentum” and a middle finger to Nonsense, I messaged this person and had a wonderful reunion, that has revealed to me so many more paths forward that I couldn’t see before.

Today, I could tell I was in the middle of making another decision and Nonsense being fierce trying to argue me out of it. Nonsense has never been so fierce in my life ; been crippling me with anxiety, but I know this is my fault for letting it get here. The anxiety has been relieving every time I listened to my gut and followed through.

I threw caution to the wind and gave into the gut feeling I had. Today, I decided I am going to close down the business I have been running since 2012 to pursue goals I have been putting off for far too long. With the whirlwind of the last weeks – and certainly last months – I know this is part of a healing process. I can’t go back to the way I used to do things ; that life is dead.

Ex Inanis is going to be a repository of my new life ; I never imagined that just following through with this site for a few days would cause such massive changes within myself. I will be migrating the site to a better blogging platform, but will continue posting until I have time to do that.

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